Well I'm back from a land where everyone's a bronze sort of tan. The girls giggle incessantly, and there's a fair, pudgy sort of mama-san lookalike that doesn't speak much English and is really slow at Math. She does however have the same teethy grin and charming smile; looking at her made me think of you. Maybe it's cause she waddles too.
I'm a little frustrated at you, you dopey thing. You. 'It's really my own fault really.' is what I usually think. Thoughts come to me in unregulated surges and badly knotted bundles, I'm not so sure where to start or what I'm thinking even. Maybe this is why I didn't do too well in college - I was never really good at communicating ideas or concepts. The words just don't come, or when they do they just don't seem right. It's just like a baby trying to fit a square block into the circle. There. It just don't fit.
I don't like talking about Vick to be honest. Have I told you that? I know it's been a long time. I don't think it means that I'm not over her? I don't know baby, I'm afraid to say that I am when I'm not sure myself. The answer I'm sure is trapped somewhere far away from whatever minuscule part of my brain that holds my conscious mind. You don't know how much I hate not knowing the answer. It is the pea under the bed; so small and insignificant, whose presence yet persists under all the weight. I guess I have a bit to work out.
It's weird to have this all surface. I only just started to think about it. I was on the plane home and all I can remember was wanting to turn my phone on to call you back. And then the plane dropped. There's this feeling like you're falling, there's a little rush of blood to the head and a slight breathlessness. Anyways it was the same kind of feeling I got when me and Vick were done with each other. And whenever I hear about her I got that same feeling over and over. Makes me think that 'Damn, I think I was really in love with her!' But I think that when the time comes and I actually do sort myself out, the realization would be far less romantic. I guess part of me doesn't want to forget what I felt about her, though I don't know how I really do. I'm really disorganized.
There's so much that i wanna say and structuring it just makes it easier of the ideas to slip away, i guess thats why you always here me saying that i had so much to tell you but i forgot. Thats why. I'm a victim of poor communication skills and lousy train of thought. As you can see I've given up trying to make this entry easy to follow.
What I really want to say that is that I'm feeling so many things at the same time. I'm happy that we're together, and I'm sad that you can't be the only one I love; just know that I'm always with you when I'm with you - never in a million years would I have let this relationship last this long if you were someone else. You, my Dawn. My waddling porpoise, my love. I feel the linger of lost love, a goth girl sitting on a shoe cupboard reading Archie comics, waiting for me. I feel the pain, and love, of the things that come after. I feel disdain for your regard of other people and your disregard for yourself.
After we had hung up, I suddenly thought of something I remember reading:
and when it comes to you im not so sure what to do because you think that if you just call me the next morning everything will be fine again and i was probably annoyed for no reason anyway. but i guess you just dont have a fucking clue.
This might be random, but I hate being thought of as ignorant. Indifferent I don't mind. Hell, maybe even like the notion. But oblivious? Ignorant? Those imply that I had half the intelligence of an ape if I can't read those annoying hints that girls drop.
Ok nevermind my ranting. I'm probably annoyed for no reason.
I'm a little frustrated at you, you dopey thing. You. 'It's really my own fault really.' is what I usually think. Thoughts come to me in unregulated surges and badly knotted bundles, I'm not so sure where to start or what I'm thinking even. Maybe this is why I didn't do too well in college - I was never really good at communicating ideas or concepts. The words just don't come, or when they do they just don't seem right. It's just like a baby trying to fit a square block into the circle. There. It just don't fit.
I don't like talking about Vick to be honest. Have I told you that? I know it's been a long time. I don't think it means that I'm not over her? I don't know baby, I'm afraid to say that I am when I'm not sure myself. The answer I'm sure is trapped somewhere far away from whatever minuscule part of my brain that holds my conscious mind. You don't know how much I hate not knowing the answer. It is the pea under the bed; so small and insignificant, whose presence yet persists under all the weight. I guess I have a bit to work out.
It's weird to have this all surface. I only just started to think about it. I was on the plane home and all I can remember was wanting to turn my phone on to call you back. And then the plane dropped. There's this feeling like you're falling, there's a little rush of blood to the head and a slight breathlessness. Anyways it was the same kind of feeling I got when me and Vick were done with each other. And whenever I hear about her I got that same feeling over and over. Makes me think that 'Damn, I think I was really in love with her!' But I think that when the time comes and I actually do sort myself out, the realization would be far less romantic. I guess part of me doesn't want to forget what I felt about her, though I don't know how I really do. I'm really disorganized.
There's so much that i wanna say and structuring it just makes it easier of the ideas to slip away, i guess thats why you always here me saying that i had so much to tell you but i forgot. Thats why. I'm a victim of poor communication skills and lousy train of thought. As you can see I've given up trying to make this entry easy to follow.
What I really want to say that is that I'm feeling so many things at the same time. I'm happy that we're together, and I'm sad that you can't be the only one I love; just know that I'm always with you when I'm with you - never in a million years would I have let this relationship last this long if you were someone else. You, my Dawn. My waddling porpoise, my love. I feel the linger of lost love, a goth girl sitting on a shoe cupboard reading Archie comics, waiting for me. I feel the pain, and love, of the things that come after. I feel disdain for your regard of other people and your disregard for yourself.
After we had hung up, I suddenly thought of something I remember reading:
and when it comes to you im not so sure what to do because you think that if you just call me the next morning everything will be fine again and i was probably annoyed for no reason anyway. but i guess you just dont have a fucking clue.
This might be random, but I hate being thought of as ignorant. Indifferent I don't mind. Hell, maybe even like the notion. But oblivious? Ignorant? Those imply that I had half the intelligence of an ape if I can't read those annoying hints that girls drop.
Ok nevermind my ranting. I'm probably annoyed for no reason.
comically indifferent @ 1:22 AM