people tell you who they are but we ignore it, because we want them to be who you want them to be.
we're flawed because we want so much more, and we're ruined because we get these things, and wished for what we had.
eventuallywhen you do you're weightless and you don't even sweat, and in the end, you're wrung out.
we're flawed because we want so much more, and we're ruined because we get these things, and wished for what we had.
eventuallywhen you do you're weightless and you don't even sweat, and in the end, you're wrung out.
comically indifferent @ 5:30 AM
anticipated reactions.
I wish I could do whatever I liked - behind the curtain of madness. Then I'd arrange flowers, all day long, I'd paint, pain, love and tenderness, I'd laugh as much as I feel like at the stupidity of others and they would all say, "Poor thing, she's crazy."
Sometimes i think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.
I wish I could do whatever I liked - behind the curtain of madness. Then I'd arrange flowers, all day long, I'd paint, pain, love and tenderness, I'd laugh as much as I feel like at the stupidity of others and they would all say, "Poor thing, she's crazy."
- Frida Kahlo
Sometimes i think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.
comically indifferent @ 3:47 AM
A sound system, no surround sound though, cause sometimes that gives me a headache, with a Bob Marley and Ella Fitzgerald cds. One of those breadmakers, and a coffee machine, definitely a coffee machine. We take our coffee the same way, black with a little sugar, and argue over who's gonna fix the next pot. But in the end it'll still smell like a cafe in the mornings.
No more late nights. Well, once in a while, but not too often. Lots of days sleeping in though. We'll get these really heavy curtains that block out the world and central air (of course). Your scent in the room from yesterday when you were getting ready for a night out with me.
No more late nights. Well, once in a while, but not too often. Lots of days sleeping in though. We'll get these really heavy curtains that block out the world and central air (of course). Your scent in the room from yesterday when you were getting ready for a night out with me.
comically indifferent @ 4:36 AM
i got home, and got off. no actually i haven't got off. but i don't really feel like, but i know i will later. i just need to write this down before i forget.
i wonder why i feel the need to fuck up every relationship i have, i don't see why i would purposefully sabotage them but I do.
every comma and every correction i make to this is painful, maybe this is me. just me. writing. without pretensions.
i was at the coffeeshop after today. and the lady that sold overpriced tissues came up to me. i have this belief that when someones drunk and stupid they act on whatever principle they live on. Normally i just say 'no thanks' and i wait for her to go away. But this time, maybe i'm just a big fucking softie at heart. fuck.
i got home and i realized that my dad was awake. i peered at him cautiously. i jus had that one thing in my mind. 'i don't want him to see me like this' which is fucked up cause i wasn't really anything. I wasn't that bad out of my mind, i still could open the lock quietly and shit like that. i wasn't that drunk and i could just act sober if i wanted. i mean hell, i'm still awake to blog this ain' i?. I just had that clear thought. i just didn't want him to see me and go, 'fuck thats someone i brought up, drunk and stupid.' i thought about my sister, saying 'can you grow up?' and how i was getting high every other day. how far away I am from being what i want to be.
sounds tragic boohoo. strangely i don't feel that sorry for myself. i just want someone to save me from this shit. i'm sorry to disappoint anyone that thought i was stronger than that. but those few of you who know do know this blog, well you should have known better.
while i was there hiding at the door which i hoped he wouldn't come to open,i thought about how fucked up and ridiculous it was. hiding. it was funny. i thought of a few things. about cock-blocking and and obsession. it felt like i was hiding there for a really long time.
i wonder why i feel the need to fuck up every relationship i have, i don't see why i would purposefully sabotage them but I do.
every comma and every correction i make to this is painful, maybe this is me. just me. writing. without pretensions.
i was at the coffeeshop after today. and the lady that sold overpriced tissues came up to me. i have this belief that when someones drunk and stupid they act on whatever principle they live on. Normally i just say 'no thanks' and i wait for her to go away. But this time, maybe i'm just a big fucking softie at heart. fuck.
i got home and i realized that my dad was awake. i peered at him cautiously. i jus had that one thing in my mind. 'i don't want him to see me like this' which is fucked up cause i wasn't really anything. I wasn't that bad out of my mind, i still could open the lock quietly and shit like that. i wasn't that drunk and i could just act sober if i wanted. i mean hell, i'm still awake to blog this ain' i?. I just had that clear thought. i just didn't want him to see me and go, 'fuck thats someone i brought up, drunk and stupid.' i thought about my sister, saying 'can you grow up?' and how i was getting high every other day. how far away I am from being what i want to be.
sounds tragic boohoo. strangely i don't feel that sorry for myself. i just want someone to save me from this shit. i'm sorry to disappoint anyone that thought i was stronger than that. but those few of you who know do know this blog, well you should have known better.
while i was there hiding at the door which i hoped he wouldn't come to open,i thought about how fucked up and ridiculous it was. hiding. it was funny. i thought of a few things. about cock-blocking and and obsession. it felt like i was hiding there for a really long time.
comically indifferent @ 5:13 AM
Sometimes I feel like life is just one big charade, one where I'm constantly afraid to be myself. As they are, some or most kinds of people don't thrive that well. So they adapt, and become who they change into. They don't realize their eventual inconsistency and I find it difficult to handle this fracture of self.
Paranoid Critical Method was originally invented by the eccentric Salvidor Dali. Well, eccentric is a euphemism, more accurately he was off his rocket. But for a crazy, he did come up with a ground-breaking insight.
I love your music taste, how sure you are of where you stand. Mostly I thinking of you when I listen to your songs. Ryan Adams, Bon Iver, Dave Matthews, I stand in the empire you belong to, massive and breath-taking. I'm jealous. I've always been jealous of you. I miss you, though I won't care to admit that in front of you.
Mostly, I did my thinking tonight. I was staring at that crane towering above. My mind slowly moving to space, with just the word 'beautiful' in my head. And then you came from behind me, and slipped your hand around my waist. Like how it's done in movies. Haha, it made me smile. I tell you about that time me and her were at the Esplanade. How she knew exactly what I was gonna say. I missed that. I miss her, or maybe what we had. My heart ached, and I almost teared.
I came home high. Still. I bathed. I saw my Dad reading on the floor, and touched his knee. 'Hey Dad.' I saw my sister sleeping and gave her and big fat kiss on the cheek to wake her up. At first she didn't know what was happening cause its been too long since I did that. So she went sleepily, 'What'd you do wrong?'.
I miss you the most. I never get the courage to tell you how I really feel. You probably know already anyway. It's hard to be straight, when I'm still in love with you. I don't have the heart to have chicken-rice conversations when there are so many issues to talk about. I love you, very very much.
Paranoid Critical Method was originally invented by the eccentric Salvidor Dali. Well, eccentric is a euphemism, more accurately he was off his rocket. But for a crazy, he did come up with a ground-breaking insight.
I love your music taste, how sure you are of where you stand. Mostly I thinking of you when I listen to your songs. Ryan Adams, Bon Iver, Dave Matthews, I stand in the empire you belong to, massive and breath-taking. I'm jealous. I've always been jealous of you. I miss you, though I won't care to admit that in front of you.
Mostly, I did my thinking tonight. I was staring at that crane towering above. My mind slowly moving to space, with just the word 'beautiful' in my head. And then you came from behind me, and slipped your hand around my waist. Like how it's done in movies. Haha, it made me smile. I tell you about that time me and her were at the Esplanade. How she knew exactly what I was gonna say. I missed that. I miss her, or maybe what we had. My heart ached, and I almost teared.
I came home high. Still. I bathed. I saw my Dad reading on the floor, and touched his knee. 'Hey Dad.' I saw my sister sleeping and gave her and big fat kiss on the cheek to wake her up. At first she didn't know what was happening cause its been too long since I did that. So she went sleepily, 'What'd you do wrong?'.
I miss you the most. I never get the courage to tell you how I really feel. You probably know already anyway. It's hard to be straight, when I'm still in love with you. I don't have the heart to have chicken-rice conversations when there are so many issues to talk about. I love you, very very much.
comically indifferent @ 3:54 AM
What's the addiction in scaling mountains? I never got outdoor sports in general, but this is a definite mystery.
I discovered a roof-top, my very first one. I haven't figured my obsession with them. I think it has something to do with our first date - When we were walking near my place and I looked up at those flats, and imagined myself standing on the edge of that beam 25 storeys high. That was probably what I was feeling. Damn high.
Since then I have feebly tried to find myself a place. Exploring, though not very often, for a nice quiet place, somewhere I could sit down and think, or not think. Sadly I never found it, part of me was afraid to be looking for a place like that alone, when it should've been with you. So when she had this secret to how to get on the roof. It was a mixed feeling.
It wasn't a very tall building, only 5 storeys. But I still clambered up the stairs and climbed through a window, and then up more stairs and more stairs, feeling all apprehensive about it. And then I got to the top and it was the most perfect thing I had ever seen. Of course i've idealized it but I guess we all live with our little lies all the time. It comes and goes, but I want to be alone.
I discovered a roof-top, my very first one. I haven't figured my obsession with them. I think it has something to do with our first date - When we were walking near my place and I looked up at those flats, and imagined myself standing on the edge of that beam 25 storeys high. That was probably what I was feeling. Damn high.
Since then I have feebly tried to find myself a place. Exploring, though not very often, for a nice quiet place, somewhere I could sit down and think, or not think. Sadly I never found it, part of me was afraid to be looking for a place like that alone, when it should've been with you. So when she had this secret to how to get on the roof. It was a mixed feeling.
It wasn't a very tall building, only 5 storeys. But I still clambered up the stairs and climbed through a window, and then up more stairs and more stairs, feeling all apprehensive about it. And then I got to the top and it was the most perfect thing I had ever seen. Of course i've idealized it but I guess we all live with our little lies all the time. It comes and goes, but I want to be alone.
comically indifferent @ 8:51 AM
Can't stop listening to Jeff Buckleys Hallelujah.
Its the frown you get after.
Its the frown you get after.
comically indifferent @ 7:00 AM